Bakura's Guide To Fighting Dirty
by Neko-chan -Silvered Tongue
Summary: Bakura writes a guide on how to fight...dirty. Rated mostly for his mouth. ^_^;; Dedicated to Blue Diamond 'cause she gave me the idea! If you want more, R&R!
1. Lessons 1 To 4

Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: ^_^;; Firstly, before I go on with the fic, let me tell you that this was inspired by Blue Diamond's review for chapter four of "Youth of the Nation." So I give Blue credit for this fic (and also a scene with Ryou and Bakura in chapter four! LOL!). Anyway, I hope you guys like it. I may or may not write more chapters to this. It depends on the reviews that I get. *innocent cough* And, of course, this story is dedicated to you, Blue Diamond. ^_~

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! and this story's idea goes to Blue Diamond. Oh, and Lavender-Monkey-Sama writes my stories. So I can't even claim to own THEM. ;_;

Lavender-Monkey-Sama-Who-Writes-Neko-chan's-Stories: Yeah, that's right. *smirk smirk*

...hey, Lavender-Monkey-Sama, did ya know that in India, they eat MONEKY'S BRAINS as dessert? *innocent smile smile*

  
  
  
  


Personally, there's one thing that I think every person needs to know, and that's how to fight. Yes, that's right. Every person needs to know how to fight. Aibou doesn't agree with me on this, but that's why he always gets his ass kicked whenever the bullies pick on him. Hopefully, this Guide will help him. (I'll probably get yelled at later for this Guide, but who cares? Yuugi punches harder than my aibou, as much as I hate to admit it.)

So, let me introduce you to... "Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty."

  
  


Lesson Number One: "Oh, By RA!"

You're alone, you're cornered, and that big nasty bully who you absolutely HATE is slithering up to you with that glint in his eyes. You know you're about to get into a fight and you decided that you aren't gonna call your yami----LIKE SOME AIBOUS THAT WILL GO UNMENTIONED... So this is what you do:

Point to the sky behind the bully with a terrified look on your face, scream "Oh, BY RA!!!" at the top of your lungs. When that idiot turns around to see what you're pointing at, kick him in the balls. End of fight. 

Easy, huh? Now, if only CERTAIN AIBOUS THAT WILL GO UNMENTIONED will just take my advice and DO it. But I'm sure my audience is smarter than certain unnamed aibous, ne?

  
  


Lesson Number Two: Whack It, Whack It Good

Imagine the same scenario as above. You're alone, you're cornered, and you STILL WON'T CALL YOUR YAMI!!! And, to top it all off...the bully that you're fighting is actually SMART. So lesson number one is already ruled out.

So what do you do? You look around yourself. You see a big, heavy, long stick. And, as much as I hate my aibou's calculus, it's like a math problem:

Point A is the Stick. Line B is the Air. Point C is the Bully's Head. Line D is the path you take to get to your house and Point E is your House. So, you start with Point A. Point A travels along Line B and connects with Point C. After Point A connects with Point C, you travel along Line D until you reach Point E.

See? Lesson number two isn't so hard to understand, now is it? Probably a lot easier than those damn word problems that aibou likes so much...

  
  


Lesson Number Three: Peppers Are Good

This is an invention that I LOVE. And how often do you hear me saying this? Not often, you idiots! Anyway, if this invention had been invented back in ancient Egypt, just imagine how many times I would have been able to get away from Pharaoh's guards! It almost makes me regret not going to school to learn stuff. Anyway, if you hadn't guessed it, this invention that I'm talking about is so ingenious, so marvelous, so...so..GREAT; and yet, it's so simple. It's...Pepper Spray.

So, once again, you're backed into a corner. You STILL refuse to call your yami. But, you DO have that small object that he gave to you the night before. You don't want to use it, but you also don't want to get popped one from your yami because you STILL aren't taking his advice. And so you take out the Pepper Spray your yami gave to you.

It's simple to do, too.

You take it out, you aim, and you press that little button at the top of the can. And Pepper Spray sprays everywhere!...but mostly in that bully's eyes. So, while he's fighting and crying like a baby (and your yami is cackling manically in his Soul Room), you run as fast as you possibly can. After all, you don't want to be around when he flushes it out of his eyes, do you?

  
  


Lesson Number Four: Use Your YAMI!!!

Now, by some miracle (mainly your yami smacking you on the head so many times that you think you might have brain damage), you finally decide to use your yami. This is a smart move. USE IT! CALL YOUR YAMI!

So, you call your yami. They do these things: Kill the stupid idiot that would ever even DREAM of touching their aibou, they mind crush 'em, they torture 'em, they make the stupid idiot go insane, they send them to the Shadow Realm, they lock them in a closet with Pegasus for a couple of hours, or (my favorite) they play a 'game' with the idiot.

And see? Problem solved right there.

  
  
  
  


A/N: Anyway...if I decide to continue this, I'll be having four lessons each chapter. And YES! I AM accepting submissions! Any suggestions to "Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty"? Well, send 'em in via review! (I'm too lazy to check my email. x.x;;) Ja! ^_~


	2. Lessons 5 To 8

Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: *blink blink* Dang. I never expected so many reviewers for a dorky little chapter.

Bakura: Of course my guide got so many reviews, you idiot! It's because my fans adore me! *smirk smirk*

Fans? But I thought that Yuugi and Yami got all the fans...

Bakura:...¬.¬;; You do realize how much I hate you?

^_^ I love you, too, Baku-chan.

...anyway, lessons number five and six were sent in by Kaori and Cherior. Thank you so much, you guys! Lessons seven and eight are mine...

Bakura: *coughs and glares*

Errrr...I mean, Bakura's. ^_^;; Remember, submissions are welcome! *hint hint nudge wink*

  
  


Disclaimer: No own Yu-Gi-Oh!. ;_;

  
  
  
  


Lesson Number Five: To Find An Actual Use For Cafeteria Food

Amazing, isn't it? I actually found a use for cafeteria food! So, once again, here's the scenario: It's lunchtime, the food doesn't look like it's edible (is it at all?!), and that stupid bully is coming over to your table. He's probably going to ask you for your lunch money, LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES! (Dumb-ass monkey doesn't realize that he should be picking on someone else!)

Aaaaahhhh...but wait! What's that on your plat? Looks like jello, doesn't it? And look at that one right there! It's...pudding. And mashed potatoes and, my all time favorite, soy sauce. (Do you know how HARD it is to get soy sauce out of fabric? If you want to know how much the bill would be, go and ask Yami Yuugi. D...)

So, you actually succumb to the voice in your head (unknown to you, it is your yami telling you to do what you're about to do), take aim...and let your missiles fly. While the bully is cursing you and trying to wipe the gunk from his eyes, run like hell out into the hallway.

Of course, the bully gives chase after you. But you are smarter than the bully (always remember this, this will get your through many mishaps). You lie in wait around a corner; when he comes charging by (stupidly not paying attention to where he's putting those huge feet of his), you trip him. When he's down, you knock him out, and then run like hell.

  
  


Lesson Number Six: To Be Or Not To Be...?

For one thing, this lesson works particularly well for those that are...uncomfortable...around the criminally insane. How do I know this? It worked extremely well for me back in ancient Egypt. Anyway, you stop where you are. You look the bully in the eyes. And you laugh.

Vary your laugh to achieve the optimum affect. A low, scary giggle combined with piercing shrieks works best. Trust me on this one, you mortal fools. After all, a yami knows best. If the bully isn't scared off by this point, it'll take more muscle to scare him away.

Walk up to him, still giggling like a yami. (Think of me if you have any trouble. I am, after all, the perfect role model.) Anyway, stare into his/her/its eyes, still giggling. Reading your middle and index finger. When afore mentioned monkey-boy isn't expecting it, use those two fingers to poke him/her/it in the eyes.

When the bully is crying like a baby, kick him in the balls. (See Lesson One for more cross-references.) Then, you run like hell back to your yami, who will chew you out for NOT CALLING HIM LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO!!!

  
  


Lesson Number Seven: Study Hall

You're in the library. All is quiet. No one is making a peep. That is, until the bully comes into the room and creates mayhem anc chaos and destruction. (Not that there is anything wrong with this, now is there? *glares*) And, once again, that dumb-ass bully has zeroed in on you like a rat attracts fleas. (Not that my aibou resembles a rat or fleas in any way, NOW DOES HE?!)

And, as usual, you refuse to call your yami. (WHY WON'T YOU CALL YOUR YAMI, DAMN IT?!) So, you run and hide, hoping against hope to hide from said bully. No such luck. He chases after you, gaining on you with every step.

But, by some miracle, you manage to pull away from the bully and hid behind a bookcase! You're saved!...but not quite yet. You hear the bully walk into the row next to yours. He's trying to be quiet, but you can hear his heaving breathing and smell his garlic-like smell. (Stinky, aren't they?)

In order to get away from the bully, you do what you're about to do right now. You push the bookcase over. And it falls onto the bully, trapping him underneath row upon row of math books and encyclopedias. The bookcase you tip over starts a domino effect.

Soon you are standing alone with all the other bookcases at your feet, burying the bully under pounds and pounds of books.

Oh, well.

  
  


Lesson Number Eight: The Ole' Switcheroo

The bully is coming towards you. You know what to expect--he's beaten you up plenty of times before. But this time...YOU AREN'T GOING TO TAKE HIS CRAP, DAMN IT!!!

'Yous ready to get yer ass kicked, you punk?' he states confidently as he walks up to you like a pansy.

'I'm ready,' you answer back.

'What's gotten into yous today, you wussy?' he growls while taking a closer look at you.

You shrug. 'Nothing's different. I'm just tired of getting beaten up on; that's all.'

'Oh?' he seems skeptical. He has every right to be. He should also be scared. Too bad he doesn't realize that now, huh?

'But, this time, _I_ get to pick how we fight. Is that alright with you?'

'I don't give a damn. I'm gonna kick yer ass, anyway, you scrawny little midget.'

You smile at him. He seems taken aback. You seem...different, somehow. You seem darker, stronger. Scarier. He should be scared.

'I think we should play a game...'

Lesson Number Eight: It's my favorite. It's a yami's favorite lesson, but a hikari's worst nightmare. It's...the ole' switcheroo. Bullies of the world beware when a hikari's yami is on the prowl. YOU'RE ALL GONNA GET _YOUR_ ASSES KICKED!!!

  
  


A/N: Well, there's lessons five through eight! If you want more, please remember: R&R!! And send SUBMISSIONS! Please! *chibi eyes* *_* I'd love you aaaaaaaaa~aaaaaaaall...

Also, for all of you who read yaoi ('specially Ryou/Yami Bakura 'n' Yuugi/Yami Yuugi), please check out two of my shounen-ai fics, "Eternity" and "Youth of the Nation." Lots of people like 'em and I would love your input, also! ^_~

Oh, and one of the reviewers (Sarah) thinks that I should write a "Bakura's Guide To Cooking" and/or a "Bakura's Guide to Escaping Yami Yuugi's Wrath." What do you guys think? (Or maybe "Bakura's Guide On How to Become Superior Than a Certain Pharaoh no Baka..." LOL!) Input, once again, please!

And...SUBMISSIONS, please!!! *becomes even more chibified* *_* 

  
  



	3. Ryou Speaks Up

Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: Damn. *is shocked* I never knew that I would be able to get so many reviews for such a weird...

Bakura: *GLARES*

*coughs* I mean, WONDERFUL fic! ^_^;; Anyway, thank you all for reviewing and I'm glad that everyone likes it so far! AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUBMISSIONS! I love you all! *_*

Bakura: *is disgusted* .

And I love you especially, Baku-chan. ^_^

Bakura: .

  
  


Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!. And, once again, Lavender-Monkey-Sama owns my plots. ;_; I'm just a poor, poor author stuck in a minimum wage job...

Bakura and Lavender-Monkey-Sama: *roll eyes*

Oh, and thanks to Hyper_Wolf_Girl and Achika-chan for their submissions! I was about to upload chapter three when I read them. We read each others' minds, ne? ^_^;;

  
  
  
  


Lesson Number Nine: Chemicals And Feet Do NOT Mix

It's chemistry period and you're just minding your own business, doing your experiments and resisting that little voice inside your head (it somehow sounds similar to your yami's voice, but we won't begin to discuss THAT...) that's telling you to mix the two chemicals you KNOW will become explosive. Out of the corner of your eyes, you see the bully stalking towards you.

He glares at you and then points to his own experiment. HE EXPECTS YOU TO DO HIS OWN DAMN WORK, THE LITTLE MONKEY-MAN! And that just annoys you. 

This is the part when you notice that a beaker is near you...and it's labeled "ACID" in big, bright, and bold letters. You sigh, knowing that there is no way to get out of doing his down damn work. So you start to follow him, but your had 'accidently' brushes up against the "ACID" jar and knocks it over...onto the baka's foot.

Needless to say, that particular bully isn't trying out for football and wrestling seasons this year. A pity, ne?

  
  


Lesson Number Ten: BANG!!!

It's night, you finally got finished serving that detention your yami ACCIDENTLY (I swear! It was all an accident!!) got you into. You're walking down that certain alley that leads to a shortcut home. And it is then that you notice the bully has lain in wait for you. (He must've been BORED. That detention had lasted for four hours. [Just don't ask what a certain yami ACCIDENTLY did! It was all an accident; I SWEAR!!] But, of course, we all know that this particular bully is a LOSER and he has nothing better to do than wait all freakin' day just for you. I don't know whether to feel insulted or honored. Iie...you chose. -.-;;...)

'I've been waiting for yous,' he tells you in that stupid accent he thinks is cool. (You're in Japan, for Ra's sake! SPEAK LIKE A JAPANESE PERSON, YOU LOSER!!!)

'I know,' you tell him. And no, this time your yami did not switch with you. It's all up to you to stop this bully. It's either that or get beaten up and suffer a two-hour long lecture from your yami when you get home. (But, of course, we'd be AVOIDING all of this if you had just used your yami from the very BEGINNING.) 

'And so what's yous gonna do about it?'

'You'll see,' you tell him mysteriously while you reach into your bag and pull out...a gun. You smile a little like a certain wonderful, sexy, and completely misunderstood yami (once again, if you need inspiration, just think of me) and point the gun at the bully.

He screams and runs away like the little coward he is.

You smile some more and pull the trigger. A sign pops out that says, "BANG!" (Hey, I never said that fighting dirty was a purely physical experience. It deals with physical AND mental fighting. And it can't be THAT hard to psyche out the bully. I mean, look at him. He has the IQ of a one-year old----IF THAT!)

  
  


Lesson Number Eleven: Sometimes, It's----

Ryou: BAKURA!!! What are you DOING?!

Bakura: ^____^

Ryou: BAKURA!!!

Bakura:...what does it look like I'm doing, aibou? *points to guide's title* It's kinda obvious.

Ryou: I can't believe you! I told you that I didn't need lessons in how to fight!

Bakura: What's the point of even GIVING lessons if you won't even USE THEM?!

Ryou: You don't need to fight dirty in order to keep bullies away from you!

Bakura: *raises eyebrow* Hai? Then prove it. YOU write the Guide.

  
  
  
  


A/N: Yes, that's right, folks! Ryou interrupted Bakura before he even got the chance to write Lesson Number Eleven! And now, it's HIS turn to write lessons. But will he continue Bakura's Guide...or will he do something completely different?! Next couple of chapters will deal with Ryou's POV of how to Fight...NOT Dirty. Will Bakura ever get his precious Guide back?! (What? Why are you looking at me like that?! It's not as if _I_ know!! ...What? I should know 'cause I'm the author? *blinks* Boy, where do you get YOUR information? D)

Thank you again for reviewing! ^_~


	4. To NOT Fight!

Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: Well, minna-san, here it is. Ryou's point of view on how to fight dirty. Question, though! Does Ryou even know _how_ to fight dirty? I mean...it's Ryou, for Kami's sake.

Bakura: *snorts* Aibou disappoints me in so many ways.

*cackles* Oh, this is going to be good.

Ryou: *nods happily* Yes, I know that it is, Neko-chan-san!!

*realizes that Ryou doesn't know that she's being sarcastic and mocking* o.o;; Ummmm...yeah, Ryou. Whatever you say. *shakes her head sadly* I'd hate to do this, but I think I'm going to have to agree with Bakura on this one, Ryou. (And to everyone who wants Bakura to take over the Guide again...just wait, he will...eventually.)

  
  
  
  


There is one thing about my yami that I just can't understand. He's very violent and he _enjoys_ being violent. I think that besides robbing tombs, Bakura's favorite thing to do is cause trouble. He actually _likes_ fighting. I wouldn't mind this so much, but see, the thing is... Most of the bullies that pick on me are mad because of a fight that Bakura _caused_.

And then Bakura wants to teach me how to fight _dirty_! I just don't get yami sometimes...

I mean, Yuugi's yami doesn't try to teach him how to fight dirty! All Yuugi's yami does is "Mind Crush" his bullies. I wouldn't want my yami to "Mind Crush" my bullies, but trying to teach me how to fight dirty seems a little low, don't you think?

I mean, why fight at all? You could easily run away AND it would take less energy to run away than to fight. So why bother fighting?

Take this scenario: You're cornered by a bully (and no, this is not the same bully in each example) and you want to get away without fighting. If you're short enough, you can dodge between his legs and run for all you're worth. Or, if you're fast enough, you can dodge between the bully's legs and tie his shoelaces together. That way, when you run he won't be able to follow. He'll be stuck in one spot and you'll have the time to safely get away. Ingenious, ne?

If Bakura was here, he'd probably try and come up with some sneaky little plan to kick the bully's butt AND make him look like a fool---all at that same time.

It's either that, or he'd be ranting about why some certain aibous don't call their yamis. (Gee, with Bakura as a yami, I wonder why I don't like calling him from his Ring. Maybe it's because of the fact that he'd try to KILL the bully? Just a guess, though...)

But, to get to the point---why fight at all? Violence only leads to more violence and it becomes a never-ending circle. How can we get along if we're all constantly fighting. We shouldn't be fighting at all!!!***

Peace would be the best thing we could all hope to achieve. Peace should be what we should all strive for. But...how can we all achieve peace if we have...MONSTROSITIES...like yami's "Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty" in our world.

How can people actually READ that Guide and actually _take heart_ from my...my _yami's_ advice?! It's my _yami_, for Kami's sake! I love him like a brother and I know that in his own twisted way he cares for me. But he LOCKED ME IN A CARD!!! How can someone who locks a person in a card actually be considered _sane_?! Seriously. And people are actually _listening_ to his advice?! I just can't understand some people. Why do you want violence when peace should be the solution? And, another thing---

  
  


Ryou, that's enough out of you.

Ryou: Nani?! But I was just getting started! *pouts*

And you can _continue_ in the next chapter...or until Bakura gets his Guide back. Whichever comes first. *blinks* And, speaking of Bakura, where is he?

Ryou: Huh?

Bakura: zzzZZzzZzZz... *fell asleep listening to Ryou's peace rant*

*wishes she could join Baku-chan*

Ryou: Nani? No one likes _my_ guide? ;_;

Ummm...let's let the readers decide, Ryou-chan. *sweatdrops*

  
  


So. Who thinks that we should let Ryou continue his own little guide for a couple more chapters or should we just duct tape his mouth shut, lock him in a closet, and let Bakura continue the guide? Remember: Your votes matter. ^_~

And I'm still trying to decide which Guide to do. Almost everyone wants to have me do a guide on how to become better than a certain pharaoh no baka. But the cooking guide and the evading the wrath of yami yuugi are tied. You guys aren't going to make me do all three, are you? x.x;;

***LOL. Remind you of someone? Like a certain albino Arabian from Gundam Wing? That also goes by the name of Quatre? *innocent grin*


	5. More Peace Rants!

Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: *wails*

Bakura: *sighs*

Ryou: Neko-chan, what's wrong???

*wails some more* *points to the reviewers*

Bakura: *becomes interested* Nani? Why are you pointing to the readers? You usually adore them. So what's wrong with you?

Ryou: *nods*

Th-They...THEY WANT ME TO DO ALL _THREE_ GUIDES!!! ;_;

Ryou:...Neko-chan, isn't that a _good_ thing???

...not if you have over a hundred ongoing fics...going on at the same time.

Bakura: THEN WHY DID YOU ASK THEM ABOUT THE GUIDES?!

*pouts* 'Cause I'm stupid.

Ryou and Bakura: *hang their heads*

  
  


Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!. I wouldn't _mind_ owning it...but I don't.

Note: Anyway...I kinda got yelled at for teasing Quatre and Ryou in the last chapter. o.o;; Ummm...I should've pointed it out sooner, but I love bashing my favorite characters. And I love making fun of Quatre 'cause he's just so adorable (ditto goes for Ryou). They're just so kawaii and cuddly and you just can't _help_ but tease 'em! If I did that with Yami, Bakura, or Yami Malik...I'd be dead. x.x;; But...*coughs* RELENA is a whooooole 'nother matter. D And, because I'm just that vindictive and sadistic, you guys get to hear Ryou rant some more. Enjoy! *kawaii EVIL grin*

  
  


Peace should be a thing that everyone strives for. (The same thing could be said for remaining sane, too, but SOME yamis just don't realize that...) Like I said before, violence only leads to more violence and it becomes a neverending circle. If you think about it, what is the purpose of a guide that teaches a person how to fight dirty? It's things like that that keeps war and hatred and violence in our world.

To quote a famous line, "Can't we all just get along?"

Seriously, though. How hard could it possibly be to just try and get along? There wouldn't be any more gangs, there wouldn't be any more wars, there wouldn't be any violence at ALL---would that be such a bad thing, huh? Just think about it for a minute before you answer.

I do realize that, no matter how hard you try, there will always be some people in the world that loves violence. They thrive on it. Malik's yami and my yami are two of these people. Yuugi's yami, too---but only to a certain extent. (He's _nowhere_ as bad as Bakura...)

Just think of how sad a thing it is if we allow such a thing as yami's guide to live in our world. Think about it for a moment: Do we really want to learn how to fight? Not not just fight, but to fight _dirty_? Fighting dirty only leads to more anger and dislike. It only leads to more fighting. It, like any other violent act, only leads to even more violence.

Not only that, but it also leads to grudges that people hold against each other. And those grudges then lead to revenge. So how could fighting dirty possibly ever be considered a good thing? Really and truly...how?

The best thing to do is just _talk_ it out. I know that some people are laughing at me right now, but the best thing to do _IS_ talk out your problems. You'll be able to see things from a whole new perspective. That other _person's_ perspective. You'll be able to broaden your worldview and work out a way to compromise. And isn't that the best thing that you could strive for? Personally, I think that it is.

Just think of a world where people talk things out and try to see the problems from the other person's view. Wouldn't it be a much nicer world? Disagreements could easily be settled. People would finally be able to understand each other. It'd be wonderful! I'd love it.

Bakura: I'm gonna be sick...

Neko-chan: Ditto. But, quiet. He might be finished soon...

Everyone would be happy! There'd be no prejudice, no war, no violence, no gangs and no murder! Everyone would be able to live their lives without fear that someone on the street might pull a gun on them. _That_ is the type of world that we should all strive for. It should be all of our dreams.

And we should try and _understand_ others. I know that my yami sometimes comes off as being insane and cold and cruel and evil, but...deep down inside, he's not! Bakura can be a very loving and gentle person. You just have to see the world from his perspective. I know that deep down inside, buried within many layers, a truly senstive person resides in Bakura's heart. But he comes off as evil because some people---

RYOU!!!

Ryou: Hai, Neko-chan?

You're making all my reviewers sick! And look at poor Bakura!

Bakura: @.@ ... *passes out*

Ryou: Nani? I didn't do anything wrong! *pouts*

*sighs* Sorry, kiddo. I _really_ don't want to do this because you're just so adorable and kawaii, but... *duct tapes Ryou's mouth shut and tosses him in the closet*

Ryou: MEHESYLES JS!!! *mumble mumble mumble*

Bakura... *pokes* BAKURA!!!

Bakura: *jolts awake, staring around himself with wide, frightened eyes*

Ummm...Baku-chan, Ryou's gone. You can have your guide back.

Bakura: REALLY?! *cackles evilly*

  
  


Yup, Bakura got his guide back. (I just hope all the Ryou fangirls don't come after me with picks and scythes. x.x;; Oi...) So, starting with the next chapter, Bakura starts with his guide once again. Some more lessons, some pratical uses for mentioned lessons, and so on.

Also, once I get updated on some of my older fics, I'll start writing the guides...just like you guys want. But, before I do...are you _sure_ you want all _three_?? x.x;;

Anyway, read, review, and I'll post more! ^_~

  
  
  
  



	6. Next Victim!

Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: *shudders* I feel so dirty. I had spent the last two chapters talking about...peace. *makes an icky, yucky face* Blech.

Bakura: *turns green* How do you think _I_ felt?? 

x.x;;... Ummm...so, everyone gets their wish. After I catch up on some of my fics, I'll be writing all three guides. ^_^;; My younger sister was reading the guide and she says that on top of all that I should also write a "Bakura's Guide to Becoming An Evil Spirit." Gah... So many, many, MANY requests. ;_;

Bakura: Shut up, onna, and just get on with the guide!!

*glares*

  
  


Disclaimer: Once again, Neko-chan does not own Yu-Gi-Oh!. So there. ;-p

  
  
  
  


Ah, yes. _MY_ guide. NOT some silly little aibou (who only rants about peace and justice and all those other BORING things)'s guide. It's _my_ guide. (Heh... Possessive, aren't I? That's what happens when you become a tomb robber. Try it sometime. I recommend it. It's the ultimate profession.)

I know that for the past couple of chapters I've been talking about how to take care of those STUPID bullies of yours, but for the next couple of chapters we'll be using a different...target...for our lessons. And I'm sure you ALL will love this. Trust me.

  
  


I have one word for you: Teachers. We all know how disgustingly awful they are. They aren't natural. They just _aren't._ After all, who needs book learning, huh? I don't! I've survived five thousand years without ever having to go to school! And look at how _I_ turned out! Anyway, I'm sure that each of you, in your time around teachers, have come to loathe and despise at LEAST one teacher. You can't honestly tell me that that isn't true. 

Neko-chan: *mutters* Barton Bitch... *coughs*

ANYWAY *glares at Neko-chan*, as you can see, there IS at least one teacher you have come to hate. And this is what this section of the guide is for. It's for those wonderful, huggable TEACHERS...or not.

Rule One: There's a reason why Ra created spit balls. Now that you know that, use them wisely. Also aim when the teacher's back is turned and always aim for the hair. (Have you noticed that most female teachers' hair is big and puffy? I mean...as my aibou would say, it's 80's style all over again.) The only time when you DON'T aim for the hair is when your teacher (most of the time it's a guy, but sometimes it IS a female) doesn't _have_ any hair. But most of the time this _does_ work. Just imagine it: Little spit balls floating around in the back of your teacher's head. And she never does seem to realize why everyone is laughing their heads off.

Rule Two: You know those practical joke stuff that's usually in magician shops? (Normally I wouldn't be caught DEAD--wait, I AM dead--in one of those shops, but they really do have some nice stuff. And by nice, I do NOT mean roses and chocolates.) So, to get to the point: Whoopee cushions, fart smells, and those little plastic spiders that look real are YOUR FRIENDS. This is an important lesson to learn, kiddies. They are NOT your enemies. They are your friends. They may betray you if you get caught with them, but they're STILL YOUR FRIENDS. Don't make me pound it into you.

And, always remember this--No matter _what_ you get yourself into, fake vomit can surely get you out. Don't believe me? Well, HOW do you think I always managed to get away from the pharaoh's guards? (Besides the fact that they were idiots...) But, then again, back in ancient Egypt fake vomit wasn't exactly _fake_...

Rule Three: Having a yami is a very good thing. (See previous lessons on bullies and upcoming rules/lessons/scenarios for the teachers.)

Rule Four: Having a "Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty" is an even BETTER thing. (Well, it isn't exactly better than having a yami, but it does come close. But remember--CALL YOUR DAMN YAMI!!!)

These four basic rules will get you through kindergarten, elementary school, junior high, and high school. Why haven't I included college?, you ask. Well, college is beyond my powers. The teachers there are even more evil and Yami Malik and myself. (Don't believe me? Go on a day trip to your local college and THEN tell me that you still don't believe me.)

But, the main question is: What to _do_ with all of these teachers? My answer: That's where _I_ come in. And you better damn well be taking notes on this.


	7. The PLAGUES!

Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: BAKURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Bakura: What do you _want_, onna?!

*glares and points to her youngest sister* Go. Kill. Send to the Shadow Realm. NOW! *stabs finger repeatedly in Channing's general direction* Kill. Now.

Bakura: *raises eyebrow* And why would I want to do that?

...x.x;;... Because every single time I'm at the computer, she plays Britney Spears ALL THE TIME. CJ is blasting it right now.

Bakura: ...B-Britney Spears?! *passes out from terror*

... *sighs* *plugs her ears and hopes the music will end soon*

  
  


Disclaimer: Neko-chan does not own Yu-Gi-Oh!. If she did, then Weevil would be dying a seriously bloody death early on in the first season. (Gomen nasai for any Weevil fans. I just _seriously_ dislike him. HE THREW AWAY EXODIA!!! *growls angrily*)

  
  


Have you ever noticed that teachers just never seem to _shut up_? They just go on and on and on and on, never seeming to end. They're like that Energizer Bunny that aibou thinks is so adorable! _Teachers_ are not adorable. _Teachers_ are not evil. _I_ am evil. ME! But _teachers_ are plagues. They are!

You know the whole plagues that Moses sends upon the pharaoh (too bad it wasn't that n Pharaoh...) in the Christain Bible? The water turning to blood was cool, though. The grasshoppers were _not_. Teachers are like those grasshoppers. They gobble up everything in sight and have no mercy. Sound familiar, kiddies?

Anyway, back to the subject. Have you noticed that the teachers that usually go on and on and on usually have a bottle of water with them? Ah, yes. _Now_ you can see where I'm going with this.

Have you ever gone to the beach, play in the ocean, and come out of the water with a raging thirst? It's the salt water that does that. Did you know that you can die of thirst at the ocean? (Everyone thinks that I'm stupid. Yes, I didn't go to school while I was alive, but I _do_ pay attention in Ryou's class. Knowledge is power, or so I've been told. And I like power.) It's the salt in the water that makes you so thirsty.

So, when the teacher isn't looking, you dump salt in their water bottle. As they talk, they'll get thirsty, and drink some of the water. And since you added the salt to their water, they'll become even thirstier. This, of course, becomes a cycle until finally they notice that something is wrong. Or, if you're lucky, the teacher _won't_ notice and they'll keel over and die from dehydration. Brilliant, if I do say so myself. Ne?

Another thing that I just can't stand about some teachers---their voices. Have you ever had a teacher that had the most nasal voice you've ever heard? Ryou's got one this year. And let me tell you, he's _very_ nasal. To top it off, he's also loud so the nasal pitch can get _very_ high...and piercing...and grating. Nothing could give me more pleasure than to rip out his voice box.

Eh. But, then again, he'd still be loud and annoying SOMEHOW.

The thing that you have to do with these types of teachers is to give them something to be loud and nasal _about_. A tack or nail on the floor that they "accidently" step on is a good one. A tack or nail on his or her chair is even _better_. (Their yelps of pain are music to my ears... D) And---

Hey, you! Yeah, I'm talking to _you_. Why aren't you taking notes on this, you stupid mortal?! I thought I told you to take notes on this!!! Stupid humans...

Another thing that seriously pisses me off--- Have you ever _seen_ some of their writing? It's unbelievably sloppy!!! You can barely even _read_ it!!! And then they have the nerve to complain about _our_ writing?! Hypocritical bastards...

When they start complaining about _your_ handwriting in a note home, you should send back the note saying this: F. Penmanship needs to be worked upon.

Next lesson, I'll be showing you what to DO against these stupid teachers. And--- DAMN YOU! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO WRITE F*CKING NOTES! WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU STUPID HUMAN?!

*clears throat* Anyway, starting next lesson, we'll be going over what to do against these plagues upon the earth. And you BETTER BE TAKING NOTES!!

  
  


A/N: *coughs* Um, yeah, Bakura.

Bakura: *glares* NANI?

I think that the next chapter is going to be very sadistic. Am I right?

Bakura: ^___________________^

... *sweatdrops* I think that's yes. So, read, review, and the next chapter you'll be instructed in what to do against those *coughs*damn*coughs* teachers. So, see ya next time! ^_~

Bakura: *snorts* I do all the work and you get all the damn reviews. You parasite.

... *BONKS* ...


	8. Teacher Torture! Wheeee!

Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: The horror! THE HORROR!!!! *swoons*

Bakura: *raises an eyebrow* CJ still playing Britney Spears?

...*dies*...

Bakura: And I'll take that as a "yes." *pokes dead Neko-chan with a toe* Anyway, it was ABOUT TIME that people realized that _I_ am writing this guide, not that stupid cat-girl. *pokes Neko-chan some more with his toe* So, everyone who complimented me: I will not kill you. And that is all.

...x.x;;... ~~~A _dead_ Neko-chan...

  
  


Disclaimer: Neko-chan does NOT own "Yu-Gi-Oh!" After all, who would want to own Bakura? He'd end up sending his 'owner' to the Shadow Realm within an hour. Oi...

  
  


Teachers, principals, and superintendents always say that our little jokes are 'pranks.' Why don't they _realize_ that they're more than just pranks--it's WAR. War against each other; but, more importantly, it's war against THEM.

If, by chance, you have a yami: Call HIM! He can easily send those stupid teachers to the Shadow Realm. Or, he can do my favorite: Call his Man-eater Bug. Not many realize the true affection that I have for my Man-eater Bug. I mean, he kills, he kills, and he KILLS. What more could you ask for? Not like a certain stupid Magician whose only attack is "Dark Magic Attack." Ooooo.... How _impressive_! *sarcastic sarcastic* (Neko-chan: And, before I'm killed by Yami fangirls--I LOVE YAMI! He's my favorite character! Buuuut...I love to make fun of my favorite characters. Hence...Kaiba, Bakura, and Yami bashing. ^_^)

I mentioned putting salt in the teacher's water last chapter. THAT IS NOT ENOUGH! If you don't have a Man-eater Bug--which would then make you LOSERS--then try my suggestions. Hopefully, you'll take them to heart and actually DO THEM. DON'T be like certain aibous that CAN'T EVEN CALL THEIR YAMI. Understand?! Good. I'm glad that we're seeing eye to eye on this.

Most high schools have a CHEMISTRY LAB. Most chemistry labs have CHEMICALS. Some chemicals are EXPLOSIVE. Do you see where I'm going with this? Explosive chemicals are usually combustible. (And, yes, I know what that word means.) And--how DO you make the chemicals combust? The answer is simple. See those Bunsen Burners over there? Use them. Use them wisely.

After all, if you follow my advice, you'll 1) Put the school into flames. 2) Hopefully blow up the school. 3) Take a few teachers down WITH the school. (After all, for most schools, it's required that they stay in the classroom until ALL of the students are out...) And 3) Remember that annoying boy or girl that just annoys the _hell_ outta ya? Well, maybe you'll kill her off, too.

PE is a great way to 'accidently' hurt the teachers. Sometimes, they even play the games with you! Can you just imagine play either hockey or football with a teacher? I've seen it happen before. It can get _nasty._ And this is coming from _me_, too! Blood (mmmm...blood...), gore (mmmm....gore...), and body parts (mmmm...body parts...) flew. Ambulances had to be called and the teachers that played officially retired.

Art is great! Substances that have warnings of "Do not get into eyes!" are all OVER the place. And it's even better if the chemistry lab is near the art room. Think about it: Do you know just HOW flammable turpentine is?! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha... It's VERY flammable.

And math! Don't even get me started on MATH! Sharp pointy objects...otherwise known as pencils. Do you have any idea just how sharp and pointy those little suckers can GET? AAAAAND--lead is poisonous. So stock up on your number two pencils, kiddes!

Another class that I love--computers. Do you have ANY idea just how many 'technological accidents' can occur? I have fun just thinking of them! The wrong plug in the wrong socket at the wrong time--deep fried teacher, anyone? Also, there's a reason why they say not to put liquids near electrical things. Liquids and technology DO NOT mix. *cackles*

But, when all else fails, your yami's Man-eater Bug will do the trick. Yes, yes it will... D

  
  


A/N: Soooo...should Bakura keep on coming up with ideas for the *mumble*damn*mumble* teachers or actually go back to the POINT of his guide...which is how to fight dirty? *Jeopardy music plays* C'mon, guys! It's your choice!

Bakura: *doesn't care either way* Anything I write about is eeeeeevil.

*rolls eyes* Yes, Bakura. We KNOW that. Anyway--for everyone that's been wanting me--

Bakura: ME!!

...*coughs*... US to write more guides, the next time I...him...WE...add another chapter to this guide, we'll put up the first chapter for another guide. Which guide, you may ask? You'll get to find out when I post it. D


End file.
